Bleeding teeth. Bleeding heart. Bleeding in and out. Eating ice-cream at the dawn of winter. Smoking a full packet of cigarettes after abstaining for 6 months. Needing to send him a message but recognizing the futility of it all. Sending it anyway. Failing at everything simultaneously; moreover just when everyone thinks you are nailing it across the board. Being out of sync with everyone. Keeping your distances to save face. Literally not bearing being around any of the people around you. Enjoying a monumental lapse. Fantasizing tomorrow is going to be different – you are going to be strong again, you are going to be the ideal you. You will go to the gym, hydrate, work on the next project, smile politely at those you cross paths with. Hating the people you adore, despising everyone. Living the same nightmare over and over and over again. Marveling at the ghoulish nature of it all. A screen with 18 open tabs is staring at you. You stare back at it and, despite the variety on offer, nothing, – NOTHING- makes you happy. But being wasted makes you sort of happy. Tomorrow you are going to spend some on something, throw money on the problem, despite not knowing what the problem is. Bleeding more. And then some.
Main image: Felix Gonzalez-Torres installation from “Bliss” exhibition at Nahmad Projects, London