12 Ways guaranteed to frustrate virtual friends
Facebook starting to bore you a bit of late? No problem. Here are some ideas on how to alienate your friends and become a red flag. Adopt one of the following personas and get unfollowed in no time.
1. Be the King of Awesome
Consistently tag yourself in awesome situations, outside of everyone’s reach and reality. Overkill it with your travel photos. Share pictures of the awesome food you eat. Publicly proclaim your love for your better half, who is -of course- equally awesome as you are. Take up the latest trends in everything and share your experience to enlighten the clueless (“Glutten free for 2 weeks now and already feel like a new person”). Don’t neglect to highlight your sensitive side by engaging in some charity (that you can milk to death to further enhance your profile). More importantly: Master the art of the humblebrag and use it to highlight your simplicity (“We stayed at The Apartment at The Connaught and had a Michelin chef cook for us in private. Will have to survive on sandwiches for the next 2 months but well worth it” / “Got awarded an honorary distinction for my charity work – if only they knew that I am just a clueless romantic at heart” / “Cruised the Costa Amalfiana with the missus – who knew the old boat still had it in it”).
2. Be a Vendor of something
Get bored of your job and start creating jewellery (sandals / marmalade / whatever). Brand it as the ultimate hipster / trendy / organic / whatever hand-made original. Post nothing but marketing stuff. Every time somebody deigns to like a post immediately hit them with an inbox message offering a 5% discount if they come check out your latest collection tomorrow at your place / your local pub / wherever. Clarify that if they cant make it you can arrange for an alternative private view. Don’t forget to tell them to feel free to share your posts.
3. Be a Negative Force
Never be pleased. Hijack conversations you come across and swiftly put a damper on things, regardless of subject. Be ironic and think nothing of picking up verbal fights with strangers and offend them (mortify your common friend as a bonus) for no reason. Spoil other people’s mood by adding condescending comments on otherwise benign posts. Friend enjoying some fried fish and wine by the sea? Remind him he is too fat already / the spot he picked is out of fashion / the sea is dirty. Friend posting about the new book he just read? Point out it is for simpletons and he’d be better off reading Popeye. Post rants about how the country is populated by hopeless idiots because of which we are doomed to fail. Be a fountain of negativity.
4. Be a Photographer
Start photographing everything around you – that detail in the tree trunk / the old lady by her porch / your socks – using your unique point of view. Experiment with black & white automatic camera settings for more dramatic results. Pair the images with self-explanatory subtitles (“Couldn’t resist capturing this lonely looking cat” / “My attempt to offer a different point of view on sunsets”) and flood the community. Be vigilant for random photography contests, enter and start guilt-tripping your friends to vote for you. Make sure credit is given where it is due and at the same time avoid aspiring thieves taking advantage of your intellectual property by marking all photos with massive “copyright” stamps.
5. Be an Expert
Self-proclaim yourself an expert on something (or everything) and start bombarding the community with your views. Have an opinion on everything -from EU policies to next season’s IT bag – and always deliver in an authoritative tone. Name-drop (and if possible tag) important people who don’t even know you exist, offering your unsolicited advice on how to handle major issues. Self-promote to death, create fake intrigue and make up scenarios of alleged relevance. If anybody bothers to out you, insist on your positions until the get bored and give up.
6. Be an Activist
Find a cause (stray pets / immigrants / the Amazon rainforest / whatever) and dedicate yourself to single-handedly championing it. Educate and recruit people. Make calls to action and try to shame your friends to join. Bore people to death by posting links to 8.000 words essays on the latest developments. Always stay on topic. Feel free to intercept other people’s conversations and make everything about your cause. Ambush innocent cat posts and aggressively reprimand the culprits for their abusive ignorance. Claim the ground on behalf of those who can’t claim it on their own. Make everyone’s timeline a little more depressing and a lot more boring.
7. Be a Political Analyst
This one is pretty easy. Shower the community with unsolicited political rants nobody gives a toss about. In no time you will have been secretly unfollowed by even your closest friends.
(Doesn’t even merit an illustration)
8. Be an Artist
Post nothing but your entire portfolio all day long, stating the works are available to purchase, “inbox me for details”. Torture gallerists by sending unsolicited messages, asking them to see your portfolio or -better yet- offer you a solo show. Preferably don’t send them the link but tell them that your instagram is @annoying_artist so they can waste more time looking for it themselves. Friend request people you don’t know and the second after they accept invite them to like your artist page. Hashtaging doesn’t really work on facebook but spam-tag your posts anyway with gallery and trade magazine names. Don’t be afraid to aim high – you may be living in a remote village but that doesn’t mean that Tate Modern and Frieze magazine aren’t waiting to discover you.
9. Be an über-Sharer
Post-post-post. Start your day by saying good morning to all friends. Document everything you do – from brushing your teeth to doing 25 crunches, nothing is too minor to not merit sharing. Going to the movies? Post. Enjoying a ham & cheese sandwich? Post. Took the quiz and discovered your celebrity selfie soulmate? By all means, post. Make frequent appearances on your friends’ timelines, acknowledging their status updates, posting a little this or that on their wall. Offer your opinion on current topics (no need to over-analyze, just a nod to state you are in on things too). If something important happens to you (you had a fight with the internet provider’s technical department), make a massive post to analyze in detail and let the word know. Post a daily song. Post funny memes (important)! Wear your heart on your sleeve. Finish the day by saying goodnight to all friends.
10. Be a self-proclaimed Celebrity
Draw inspiration from Kim Kardashian‘s social media accounts and adjust to suit your needs. Keep announcing your next move as if it is all the community is waiting for. Give shout-outs to your local optician (freebie sunglasses), the places you eat, your holiday destinations and every other inconsequential occurrence people could care less about. Pose with fellow imaginary celebrities every occasion you step out of the house. When you stay in, feed your audience with selfies. Show them your outfits and describe your mood. From time to time, use unsolicited Oscar speeches to thank everyone for supporting you in the demanding life of the imaginary social media celebrity.
11. Be a modern-day Philosopher
From the comfort of your couch attack the internet with inspirational quotes. Feel a little Paulo Coelho and remind your friends of life’s essential and profound truths. Target major issues that resonate with everyone (meh… relationships and the meaning of life). Adopt a conversational tone using the second person singular to collectively address unsuspecting friends. Shower them with pearls of modern wisdom – if you don’t have a handy repertoire of your own, make use of “inspirational quotes’ websites. Fire motivational calls to action like “GET OUT AND CEASE LIFE BY THE BALLS”. Meanwhile stay safely behind your screen in your pyjamas, frantically googling inspirational quotes.
12. Be Cool
Mind your own business and lead an interesting life. Share this life in reasonable doses. Do not offer your point of view on anything and everything that is the issue of the day and, when you do, actually have an opinion of your own and don’t hesitate to stray from the heard. This is the fastest and most effective way to make everyone hate you.
DISCLAIMER: The characters in this post are fictional. Ok, maybe only a little inspired by people I have come across online!
And it is safe to say that all of us are guilty of making the above mistakes from time to time.
P.S.: I had a lot of fun creating the illustrations of this post. They are Designed for You to enjoy. The baroque frame I have used to outline them comes from an old artwork of mine. Inbox me for details 😀